I'm tired because I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up and staring at my scars which were barely visible in the light of the lamp on the nightstand next to my bed. I kept the light on because I couldn't bear to be in the dark again.

As I watched the Olympics last night I couldn't concentrate. My eyes invariably went back, time and again, to the scars.

I remember so clearly what the doctor said to me when I woke up in the hospital. He told me the scars would never go away, that when I looked at them they would remind me how close I had come to the end of my life.

He was wrong, when I look at the scars it never crosses my mind how close I had come to death. When I look at the scars I'm reminded of the end of my childhood dreams. I'm reminded of how many things ended in those days and months. I'm reminded of the terror I felt, the horror of not being in charge, the outrage felt by others shaping my future.

A woman I know was recently diagnosed with an STD, Human Papilloma Virus to be exact. Not that unusual I know. But here's the thing. She's in her late 70s and hasn't been sexually active in over 35 years. It seems that her abusive ex-husband gave her the disease sometime prior to the early 1970s. It lay dormant in her system for all that time, until last year, when she received radiation treatment for breast cancer. The radiation apparently compromised her immune system, and the long dormant HPV took advantage. Her ex-husband died about 6 years ago. But he's managed to reach out from the grave to abuse her yet again.

UPDATE: This blog was a response to a diary posted by Kid Oakland on Kos. I strongly disagreed with what KO had to say. It was basically the same old, same old, 'do whatever it takes to get Democrats elected in 2006 and 2008, we have to take back the majority before we can do anything else.' Here's a link to that diary.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/1/27/165439/648

This morning when I went on dailykos, KO had a new diary up on what the filibuster has to be, disciplined, principled, and about one issue and one issue only, A Filibuster For Choice. I found it extremely encouraging that my voice had been listened to and heard. In my heart of hearts, I believe what most women want is to be heard which leads to the respect we deserve and a place at the table. Here's a link to Kid Oakland's new diary. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/1/28/132916/459

I am beginning a new chapter in my life. It's been a long time in coming and yet it seems to be coming so fast that I can't keep up. I am excited, nervous, frightened, overwhelmed and sad all at the same time. I am moving.

I am leaving behind the snow and sleet and freezing rain of Maine, for the heat of southwest. I am leaving the ocean for the sand. I've thought about this move for many years. The harsh New England winters wreak havoc with my fibromyalgia. But there has always been a reason to stay: a friend or relative in need, a job worth keeping, a sense of community I was reluctant to leave behind. But sometime last year, about two years after the death of a beloved family member who died suddenly and too young, I realized there is always a reason to not make a change. There is always a friend or relative in need, or something worth keeping, or something that is hard to leave behind.

Inspired by "my biggest fan" (sarcasm required)

From V for Vendetta

It does not do to rely too much on silent majorities, for silence is a fragile thing.
one loud noise and it's gone.
Noise is relative to the silence preceding it. The more absolute the hush, the more shocking the thunderclap.
Our masters have not heard the people's voice for generations...
and it is much, much louder than they care to remember.

We have to listen.
To the poor, quiet
non-existent voices
of people who have no way to vent

What do we lose
to spend a moment
to tune in and really hear
WHAT IS BEING SAID