If when coming to terms with or dealing with sexual assult in our personal history, we don't discuss it with the rest of our personal history -say in a class that discusses social justice in a small group dialog- is it because we're still ashamed? I can say that I am still ashamed because yes I'm a feminist and I understand that it's not my fault that I was assulted by the same person on three occasions when I was 17, but I can't change my feelings. Even when I talk to others who have dealt or are dealing with sexual assult in there personal history, there is an understanding that we don't want to talk about this too much. What I can't understand is if it's because we're ashamed, don't feel like crying about it, want to move on or just don't feel the need to talk about it.

Does it ever get better? Some days, like today, it's all I can do to keep my head above water (and today I feel like I'm failing miserably). I've been married for 11 years. During that time, my finances have gotten progressively worse. Now I find myself with my savings account depleted, my checking account overdrawn, and no more resources to fall back on. I'm not an extravagant person, I don't think. Rather, my job just doesn't pay me enough to make ends meet. Sad that I have a professional degree and can't always pay the bills.

I thought 2005 might be better, but the last 12 months have been a bitch. I filed bankruptcy - thought that would help on the financial front. Not enough, apparently, and I can't do it again. It's not like I have any unsecured debt to get rid of, anyway. My husband finally moved out. I realized I had problems with anxiety and anger management. I'm trying to address all my issues. Why, then, does it never get better?

I just wanted to post a little something to say hello and introduce myself. I'm Lisa, thirty-something (although closer to 40 than 30!) full-time working mom of the busiest three-year-old on two feet, separated from my husband of eleven years and headed for divorce. That's really not a bad thing - he and I are still friends, and will still be able to work together to raise our son. I think that's baffling to his parents. They can't understand why we're breaking up if we still get along so well. We'll always be friends, but we just don't need to be married to each other. I'm not sure they'll ever understand that.

After a comment of mine was deleted at my request (and others' urging) from another diary, I was asked by many to repost my comment as a diary entry. While I am not comfortable sharing something as personal as that comment on the front page of a website, I do think I can tackle some of the same issues raised there in a more general context.

First of all, as noted before, I am a man. However, many of my favorite bloggers -- Lorraine, Maryscott O'Connor, and lately Laura/Mediagirl -- are women, and I have followed them to such sites as Booman Tribune, My Left Wing, Women Kossacks, and of course Our Word. I am aware that this is a community of women, and it is my intent (not always perfectly realized) to honor and respect that at all times here. I recognize that I am an outsider here, and I will at all times respect the wishes of the community. I am also not a troll, as Laura and Marisacat and many others know from their interactions with me on other blogs. I hope I can help to offer a broader perspective on certain women's issues that will a) help me to gain a fuller understanding of issues that I as a man face in everyday life and b) reveal some of the intricacies of male culture for the deconstruction and enlightenment of this community.