I really think life is all about discovering who we really are, then scrambling to keep up with an ever changing self after that: at least that s how it feels to me. So often this is a very long, confusing, and often painful process.

I marvel at how deeply old negative programming can be buried in an endless pile of layers that can only be removed one at a time, the same way they were inserted into our consciousness. I marvel that even after years of digging into those piles, there always seems to be still more layers to discover, then strip away. Can I possible live long enough, I wonder, to get to the bottom of the pile? The most recent piece of proof that layers still exist slapped me up side the head yesterday, shouting , "Ah HA! GOtcha!"

I was concerned about my partner, and her decreasing mobility and fatigue, due to serious, chronic conditions and so arranged for an appointment with the Block Nurse Program here to see if any kind of in home assistance was available. (for HER, mind you, note, not me. ) They asked me if I was applying for myself, and I said 'No, I don't need any services."

Then I hastened to make sure she understood I was also an RN with extensive case management experience, but that I was aware it was better for someone outside our home to do this, not me.

Only hours later, replaying that scene in my mind, with a shock, I saw what I really had done: uncovered yet another layer of my own, called denial of the scope of my own growing physical limitations. Still trying desperately ( unconsciously) to hang onto my old self image as the "strong one" who never heeds help, the professional who knows the ropes, the careGIVER, etc.

Peeling that layer off hurt like hell. Fact: I am NOT who I was anymore, not physically; my whole skeleton is deteriorating, fer Gawds sake! Yes, I CAN still scrub the kitchen floor and clean the bathroom. But at an immense cost in terms of increased pain, and literally hours of my life energy spent on this these never ending, routine tasks. Hours I'd so much rather spend here, at my desk, writing, or enjoying other parts of life.

But no, the old messages whisper: "Shame on you! If you CAN do this, you MUST keep do it!'? "Don't be weak. Don't take help that you don't need! BE STRONG AND SELF SUFFICIENT!"

We spent some good hours together after that, getting real together about our shared life, and how we truly wish it to be. Did we really want to spend the prime portion of our physical strength and energy on household tasks the rest of our lives, just so we could feel pride in the fact that we still can do them? Do I want to be remembered as "that powerful old women who cleaned her own toilet right up till the end?"

(Sigh) No, I do not want that. I want to be remembered for having LIVED this part of my life FULLY, and for me that means finally being free to live it as the writer I have always yearned to me. That's where I want to spend my prime life energies; on my work, and on loving and being loved.

And so it goes and goes and goes, layer by layer removed, to reveal yet another truth that awaits my reluctant embrace. One more layer of delusion stripped away that usually stings like hell when peeled off like an old scab, but which then allows for more healing, more growth and yes, more freedom.

We BOTH need some housekeeping assistance here, not just my partner. Not because we're too weak, too lazy or too old to do it, but because we both have a lot of very important, rewarding creative works in us that deserve their blooming time now, as do we.

And so, another layer bites the dust!
The learning never stops.
(Nor do new beginnings!)

Onward!