Many of us will find ourselves visiting family and friends during this holiday season. And some of us are already dreading the oh-too-predictable drama that goes along with it. There is a concept in group dynamics called "The Drama Triangle." Developed by a guy named Stephen Karpman, it's a way of understanding certain difficult human interactions. I've used the concept in work I've done with battered women and staff at battered women's shelters. The Drama Triangle is a very gross simplification, and not the be all and end all description of human interaction. But I sometimes find it a helpful lens for understanding the dynamics of some dysfunctional interactions. Some of you may already be familiar with it, but for those who aren't, it looks like this:

The Drama Triangle

Imagine the points of a triangle. One point represents Persecutors. One point represesents Victims. And the third point represents Rescuers.


Some people, for whatever reasons of past or personality, gravitate toward a particular point on the triangle. However, you can't stay at that point unless you cast other people in the roles at the other two points. So lets say you are pre-disposed to perceive yourself as a Victim. In order to stay in that role, you have to cast someone as your Persecutor. And then you seek out someone else to commisserate with to be your Rescuer.

Likewise, if you are predisposed to be a Rescuer, then you are always finding victims to rescue and Persecutors to fight. And if you are naturally a Persecutor... well you find or make victims. Drama occurs whenever these three positions, Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor converge to form a triangle.

Let's look at a hypothetical family gathering, consisting of two sisters, a mother, an aunt and a cousin. Sister A arrives at the gathering bringing a homemade pie. Sister B greets her and says "Oh, a pie! I make great pies!" Sister A, her feelings hurt, slips into Victim mode. She goes to cousin C and complains that B is always bragging about how much better she is at everything. A gives several other examples of B's one-upmanship and tells C how rude and hurtful it is. A has now cast sister B as a Persecutor, and cousin C as her Rescuer.

Sometime later, B is talking about how well her child is doing in soccer. C, in full rescue mode says sarcastically, "Of course B, how could any child of yours be anything but perfect." B's feelings are hurt and she immediately slides into the Victim position. But for whatever reasons, B is not comfortable in the Victim role, so she decides to fight back. Before she even says a word, she moves to the Persecutor position and makes a comment about C drinking too much. Sister A now rushes in to rescue cousin C, and calls B a bitch.

At that point, Mother breaks down in tears. She's slipped into the Victim position and complains about how hard she's worked to make this wonderful family gathering and how every year her children spoil it with their bickering. Mother has cast her self as the Victim, and in doing so cast her children as her Persecutors. Sister A is not comfortable being cast as a Persecutor, so she slides into Victim mode and puts Mother in the Persecutor position by telling Mother its all her fault because she always favored sister B. Sister B meanwhile, still in the Persecutor role Mother has cast her in, says "Oh Mother, get over yourself!"

Aunt K now jumps into the fray. Feeling the need to rescue Mother, she casts both children as Persecutors. She starts telling the story of how hard it was for Mother growing up, and how she struggled to raise two children the best she could in difficult times, and how ungrateful A and B are. A, still seeking the Victim position, tells K that she doesn't know what Mother was like when A and B were little, thereby casting Mother as the Persecutor. B, on the other hand, stays in the Persecutor position and tells K that maybe if K were a better mother, cousin C wouldn't get plastered at every family event.

As you can see, this drama will continue indefinitely. Some of the family members work hard to stay in the position they are most comfortable in. Others will move readily around the triangle, responding as either a Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor at various intervals as the drama rolls on.

Getting out of the Triangle

How then to survive holiday drama? First, notice the triangle. Take a step back from the drama and notice what's going on. Who is in what position? How are the positions shifting? What position do you feel yourself gravitating towards? What position do you see others trying to cast you in?

Once you see yourself in, or being cast in, a particular position, you can respond accordingly. Getting out of the triangle is all about boundaries.

To get out of the triangle from the Persecutor position, try clear structure. Ask yourself, What do I really want for myself? How can I get, or who can I ask for, what I really want in a clear honest manner?

To get out the triangle from the Victim position, try problem solving. If your feelings are hurt and you feel victimized, ask yourself, "What steps can I take to protect myself from this Persecutor? What safety plan can I make to minimize my physical or emotional exposure to this Persecutor?

To get out of the triangle from the Rescuer position, try clear nurturing. Although you may feel a strong urge to come to someone's defense, don't take any action until its requested in a clear direct manner. As explained here:

In response to the emotional moaning and groaning, ask if the person needs anything from you. Listen for a request. Often the Victim will phrase the request in a hazy, unclear way, hoping again that you'll do the work and figure it out. Don't do it. The baby chick needs to peck its own way out of the shell or it will die! Here are some other phrases to use with a Victim that will help you stay off the Rescuer position. "I'm sure you can figure this out. I'll look forward to hearing about your success." "Are you asking me for something?" "Will you think about what it is you want?" "Will you be specific?" "I'm not a mind reader, tell me exactly what you want from me and I'll consider it."

Remember though, that regardless of your position on the triangle, as soon as you exit the triangle, as soon as you stop engaging in the drama, those still in the drama will continue to pull you back in. And if you don't allow yourself to be drawn back in, they may cast you as a Persecutor who doesn't care about their feelings. But there is nothing you can to do stop the drama from within the triangle. The only thing you can control is your own decision to either participate, or not participate, in the drama triangle.

Dealing With Those Still in the Triangle

When dealing with mild forms of Persecutor behavior, seek structure. Ask the persecutor what it is exactly that s/he wants from you. Wait for, and insist on an answer, and then move to problem solving. But when dealing with more intense forms of Persecutor behavior, limit your interaction. Calmly inform Persecutors that you are not going to interact with them until they stop blaming, insulting, discounting, or whatever they are doing. Then terminate the interaction. The Persecutor wants you in a Victim position. Use your Victim position safety plan and problem solving to protect yourself from the Persecutor's behavior.

When dealing with someone who is in the Victim position, encourage them to problem solve. Explain that you have faith in their ability to find a way to protect themselves from their perceived Persecutor. Don't give advice. Ask the Victim the same questions you would ask yourself if you were in a Victim position. "What can you do to protect yourself? What safety plan can you make to minimize the risk of being hurt again?" Be prepared for the fact that the Victim is looking for a Rescuer, someone do to the hard work for the Victim. When you don't fill that role, when you ask questions that in essence encourage the Victim to rescue themselves, the Victim may try to cast you as a Persecutor.

When you find yourself interacting with a Rescuer, the Rescuer will try to cast you as a Victim. Depending on the position you naturally gravitate towards on the triangle, you may feel discounted, or you may be tempted to accept the Rescuer's sympathy. Healthy sympathy for someone who is suffering is fine. But the Rescuer's offer of sympathy comes with strings attached. The Rescuer will soon move from offering sympathy to offering advice to telling you what to do. The Rescuer encourages you to cast someone as a Persecutor and to trust the Rescuer's perception and solutions more than your own. When dealing with a Rescuer who is casting you as a Victim, emphasize your own problem solving skills and then change the subject. When responding to a Rescuer, try a simple statement like "Thanks for noticing, but I can handle it. Let's talk about something else."

Celebrations

Family gatherings are opportunities to celebrate our connections to those we love. But they are also opportunities for conflict and drama. You can make the most of your celebrations by noticing the Drama Triangle in action, stepping out of the Triangle, and having good boundaries when dealing with those still in it. You are not responsible for the feelings of anyone in the Triangle, and you have no power to stop the drama. All you can control is how you respond to the drama and how you let it affect your holiday.

More information about The Drama Triangle can be found here:

http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm
http://www.cghub.co.za/page.asp?page=46