Since the topic of this month is Relationships, and I'm going through something that is making it difficult for me to post as often as I should, I decided just to talk about it here. I'm struggling with my relationship to myself. When I became disabled about 15 years ago (can it possibly be that long?!) I spent a lot of time in anger and denial. I tried anything I could to make it not true, or at least find a way to function in spite of it. It didn't work.

I lost my independence, my life on the East Coast, a house full of furniture and belongings and my friends. I'd like to say I weathered it all gracefully, but alas, I did not. Once I had to admit that I couldn't live alone anymore, I shut down completely. I moved in with family, and pretty much slept for about 2 1/2 years or so. Gradually, they invented better medications and I found a little inspiration in something harmless, and gradually started coming back to life.

Right now, I'm going through one of the best periods I've had since it started. It won't last long, I know, and I'm trying to make the most of it. As soon as this Indian Summer we're having begins to fade, my Seasonal Affective Disorder will kick in and I'll be bedridden for the rest of the winter. At that point, I'll be on the net almost every waking minute. I've discovered that my time on the web is in inverse proportion to how good I feel. Sort of.

Depression is a strange thing. It happens in levels. When I'm at, say a -2 to 0 level of depression, I'm busy. I paint, I write, I clean my room, I read books, I lay in the sun or float in the pool - my good spells tend to happen in Spring and Summer - but I have trouble keeping up with the on line world. At levels -3 to -8, I'm on line constantly because I really can't do anything but lie in bed. A minus -9 or -10 knocks me back off the net again, which is why people start to worry if I'm away too much. I had a spell this spring that lasted almost two months. That was a bad one. People were posting on my blog to see if I was alive. I wasn't.

Anyway, right now I'm almost functional. That means I sleep some almost every day, I'm awake for at least a few day light hours, and I'm able to do some basic things like clean, paint, and cook. I don't have these spells very often, so I have to "make hay while the sun shines." So that's why I haven't been around much. I'm like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter. I'm getting my room organized so it won't be too horrible when I go months doing nothing. I'm collecting art books and art supplies that I can use in bed, so hopefully I'll do a little something other than cruise the net. That's a bit optimistic, but that's how I feel right now.

Right now, I don't hate myself for failing to be functional. Right now, I don't hate the world for the way it reacts to parts of me I can't or won't do anything about - my height, my looks, my ethnicity, my religion, my attitudes and ideas. I'm ok with the fact that all of my friends live somewhere else. I'm ok with the fact that no one I live with gives a shit about anything I care about, and they talk to me half the time like I'm an animal or a child. I'm ok with the isolation of living way up in the mountains. I don't live in the middle of nowhere. I have to drive 3 hours to get to the middle of nowhere. There are times when that's stifling, but right now it's a relief. I don't want to deal with people. I want to deal with me.

When I dig down below the depression, I like myself. I like the way I think, the way I write. I like my beliefs and attitudes because I worked and still work hard to refine and develop them. Most of my obstacles are external - distance, the way people perceive me in this culture, lack of money, lack of connections, lack of energy to do things when I do have the opportunity. But right now, tonight, I'm ok, so I might not be around much. Don't worry if I occasionally wander off. I always wander back sooner or later.

Namaste.