my story is mine. i choose when and where to tell it, how much to tell and to whom. sometimes i choose to tell it. other times i do not. i stayed away from the 4 rape diaries at kos recently, because i did not feel it was a safe place for me to tell my story, and because i couldn't read so many stories about other rapes without it depressing me and triggering my own post traumatic stress.

i'm no longer ashamed about my history of rape and abuse, but i still believe i have a right to privacy. i do my part to further the cause, i speak out when i feel it is appropriate, i donate money, i have volunteered and worked for pay at rape crisis hotlines and domestic violence programs.

but i don't feel the need, if i am at a party and the subject of rape comes up, to tell my story to total strangers. sometimes i may choose to do that. other times i may not.

there are some things that i always do. i always comment if i hear jokes, stories, or comments minimizing rape or domestic violence. i don't hesitate to say "i find that offensive, and just plain wrong on the facts." i am prepared to argue the facts if need be. but i don't feel the need to tell my story to people if it feels unsafe or if i would just prefer some privacy.

i speak up in the same way about racism. i am not a victim of racism except to the extent that racism hurts everybody. but i am white and have never been discriminated against because of my race. still, if i hear someone say something racist, or if i observe racism, i still speak up and say that it is offensive to me and just plain wrong.

if i see homophobia, i speak up. very often i don't bother to volunteer that i am a lesbian. i am "out" to some people in my life, and not to others. not because i am ashamed of my sexuality, but because i am entitled to privacy.

when i choose not to tell my personal story, but am willing to speak up for what's right, i don't feel that i am failing in my job of advocate for victims of oppression.

my story is mine. i own it. it belongs to me. i don't feel i have a moral obligation to reveal it at every opportunity. i reveal it when it suits my purpose to do so. but if i discern that for whatever reason it feels socially or emotionally unsafe to do so, i feel very comfortable choosing to speak up for victims without disclosing my own personal story.

for instance, there are many people who, upon hearing my rape story, will decide "AH HAH! that's why she hates men. that's why she's a lesbian." and i don't need to put myself out there for idiots like that, where i end up defending not only my abuse history but my sexuality.

once, when working at domestic violence project, we had a training on homophobia. i chose not to participate because the tasks involved word association games that i felt would reveal my sexuality. i was unwilling to do that because i was a supervisor and knew that i had two very homophobic staff members reporting to me. i was brand new to the organization and did not want to out myself in a situation which would have far reaching impact on my developing relationship with those workers. there would be plenty of time for me to deal with their homophobia. but it was too early in our relationship to do that.

so for what it's worth cait, that is my choice. i respect my right to privacy. i tell my story when i am comfortable doing so, or when i think the moment is so important that its worth my discomfort to tell it. but, as long as i speak up against oppression, and have facts and information in my head so i can educate others, i feel no need to cut my guts open and put them on display for everyone to comment on and opine about.

I think we will tell our story in one way or another. The way it comes out, and how the narrative is received has to do with where we are in the healing process. I believe you're still too vulnerable and wounded to share this stuff indiscriminately, based on the introduction of your post:

"If when coming to terms with or dealing with sexual assult in our personal history, we don't discuss it with the rest of our personal history -say in a class that discusses social justice in a small group dialog- is it because we're still ashamed? I can say that I am still ashamed because yes I'm a feminist and I understand that it's not my fault that I was assulted by the same person on three occasions when I was 17, but I can't change my feelings."

It sounds like the trauma is still a bit fresh, and not quite integrated into your identity, and I say that based on how people talk about atrocities in various stages of recovery of them. I want to say I'm not a psychologist, but have experienced atrocities and studied the issue of telling, and these are the stages that resonate with my own experience as outlined in Siebert's The Survivor Personality:

Free Fall Phase; Reliving fears and memories:
You reluctantly admit that trying to suppress the old memories and feelings is not working. For years you have suppressed what happened, kept it secret, didn't tell anyone. Had flashbacks. Wondered "Why me?"
Faked being "normal."
Easily upset by certain statements made by others.

Taking Control Phase, Wrestling for control of your spirit:
You repeat, relive, and talk about the experience again and again with good listeners. Discover that after awhile you can tell a shorter version, a summary, with less emotional charge. You feel moments of relief, sleep and feel better. You face up to fears, challenges, erroneous beliefs, and assumptions.

TTransition Phase; Awkward efforts in unfamiliar territory:
You experiment telling your story to others outside your self-help group and circle of closest friends. You discover that people either cannot handle listening for more than short time or become overly sympathetic and distraught about what you went through.

Reemerging Phase; Publicly declare and validate your new identity:

You now control your experience, it no longer controls you. You can stop thinking about the experience when you want to.
You gradually develop the ability to choose to: not talk about your experience even when asked, give a short, "Reader's Digest" summary and then change the subject, talk in detail with the rare person who is sincerely interested, is a good listener, and will take time to listen.
You make yourself available to others who are just starting to deal with similar traumatic experiences. You are able to listen to them without falling back into your old pain.
You encourage and coach them without trying to rescue them. You can talk about what you did and learned in a way useful to them. You talk with various people about your transformational process and your learnings in away that does not subject listeners to the pain or distress you went through.
You can talk about your experiences as an observer and learner. You confess mistakes, bad judgment, weaknesses, and laugh at yourself.
You discover that you have valuable messages for a wider audience, that you have acquired important learnings in the school of life that you want to share with people facing many kinds of difficulties.

You realize that without the traumatic experiences you would never have accomplished so much beneficial personal growth. You appreciate that you have managed to convert misfortune into good luck. You find your voice. You talk to groups about your experience and what you learned. You may write an article. You may think of writing a book about how the worst thing that ever happened in your life was also the best thing that ever happened. You want others to know that something very good can come out of something very bad. You work at making your story of your experience and your healing journey a small part of your larger identity.

Avoid letting your experience become your primary identity in your own mind, even though it may be how others generally refer to you. You find that you are immune from comments and statements made by others that used to upset you. You recognize and connect with other survivors who have been through their own transformative journey. You appreciate and validate each other's spirit. You discover at times that you've gone many days without thinking of the traumatic experience or your long healing journey. You appreciate that you truly are free of the trauma.

Not sure if that helps or not, it is a lot to absorb and it's just an excerpt, the essay is posted at my board, under the title From Trauma To Transformation, Telling Your Story....let me know if you want the url.

Kind regards, and thanks for bringing up an important, complex subject.

Robin

I don't live my life as a role model or educator. When it comes to this subject, my experience has been almost universally that if the person I'm telling has not experienced sexual assault, their reaction becomes (in my mind) way out of proportion with the impact it has had in my life. On the other hand, when I have shared with others who've experienced it, so much need not be said, it's just understood -- the awful and the banal.

I don't want a brief moment in my life blown up into the most important thing about me. I don't want pity or scorn or empathy. I don't want to carry the burden of the imagined horror someone else might project upon me.

But in the end, maybe I don't talk about it much because, until women are viewed in this culture as autonomous persons, rather than things to be defined, pedestalized, denigrated, judged, boxed up and put away, there's little point in sharing, for the issue then becomes whether my reactions in the moment were appropriate or not, my ways of coping were appropriate or not, my decision whether to report it or not was appropriate or not, and so on. After all, we get plenty of instances where people -- especially men -- have all sorts of pat preconceptions and judgments about sexual assault and what causes it.

Even legally, the violent crime victim's testimony is not enough to convict.

Recently I think the only kinds of things that have gotten through are mass tellings, like on the DailyKos threads recently, where you have some 40-50% of women respondents telling of assaults they endured. I think there's a lot of denial about the magnitude of the problem, the epidemic of violence that continues even in our purportedly civilized nation. And it seems to me that individual tellings have little utilitarian value outside of a mass response context.

As for choosing to tell on one's own, I think that should be for one's own reasons, and not out of any sense of obligation or duty. If you think sharing well help someone, then that's a good reason. If you think sharing is an obligation, well, I think that is an act of guilt. You didn't choose to be assaulted, and no acts that happen to you of no fault of your own place no obligation upon you except to survive and cope and move on in the way that is physically and mentally/emotionally most healing for you.

That's my own view, anyway.