It does get different though. As you go through the process of a divorce you find out just how different you think you are from who you friends and family think you are. I don't know the specifics of your financial situation. The only thing I can say is don't be reluctant to ask for help. We are almost always surrounded with people who would be happy to help if they only knew what we need. Tell people, they will help. Journaling may help you figure out if you're having problems with God, Religion, Society, or your parents expectations that usually transform into what you expect of yourself. In my darkest times there were two things in the bible that made it possible to be honest with myself. God gave us free will, and Jesus sermon on the mount. The idea of free will gave me the focus to be aware that every minute of every day I was making choices. The beatitudes guided those choices.
I hope you find your way.

One of my best childhood friends married a guy that was a light drug user. He was in an Auto accident and lost use of his legs. The light drug use turned to heavy drug use and all the glory that comes with it. He was also no longer able to have sex. Needless to say she was carrying all of the financial weight without the benefit of a college education. Luckily there were no kids

Finally, to my great releif she got out of what I thought of as the most amazing hell hole. When I talked to her about it she said "We just stayed together too long. We should have ended it three years ago."

What was novel to me about this is that when a relationship goes bad I always used to think "Well that should never have happened." Instead of throwing the whole thing out she just didn't like the end. Now when a relationship ends I adopt her style.

The view is much better.

to me, innocence is in many ways about having blind faith. faith that people are good. faith that bad things won't happen to me. that that my life is safe and secure. for some, that faith is wrapped up in an innocent, childlike, or unquestioning faith in a divine "father" who is always on our side.

losing innocence is, for most of us, inevitable. because the reality is that bad things do happen in life. life is in a state of constant change. we are more like leaves floating on a stream than castles build on solid rock. bad things happen to us because life happens to us. the book "when bad things happen to good people" is so popular because many of us were raised with a christian ethic that god rewards good behavior and punishes bad behavior. buddhists thought about karma is similar.

but life is more random than that. bad things happen to everybody. and good things do too.

but if one accepts that there is a certain randomness to life's events, then one is challenged with how to have not child-like faith, but a more mature hope and confidence that things will improve. bayprairie can tell you a lot about how she found hope when faced with a stage 4 malignancy with a low probability of survival.

for me, i find my hope in the randomness of it all. tomorrow may be the same or worse, but who knows, it might even be better. having been through difficult times can give you another kind of faith too. a faith, a confidence, in your own capacity to weather adversity. i know i will survive this, because i have survived bad things before.

and i do try to maintain my sense of balance by being aware that i my life's experience falls somewhere on a continuum between the sublime and tragedy. many others have better lives than me. many others have worse ones.

i was once talking to a russian who said that the odd thing about Americans is that we expect life to be good, and are suprised when it isn't. she said much of the rest of the world accepts from birth that life is hard, and are surprised when it isn't.

i don't know if she's right about that. but i do know that life gets better. and then it gets worse. and then it gets better; and then it gets worse; and then it gets better....

as for your financial difficulties, unfettered capitalism rewards the wrong values in society. and that's never been more true than under the bush administration, which sees the poor getting ever poorer while the rich get richer. i don't know your financial situation, but i agree with the bewilderness. don't hesitate to ask for help. why is that we assume that success is defined by being able to go it alone? that's a very male, every man is an island, definition of success.

real success comes out of community, and a recognition of our interdependence. it is our relationships that make us stronger, that support us during the bad times and celebrate with us during the good times. an important relationship in your life is ending. it is ever more important now, as you de-couple, to renew old connections and make new ones. accept your interdepence with others. help others. accept help in return.

i don't know your living situation, but there are many ways to reduce one's living expenses. roommates. exchanging room and board for services (like caring for an elder or disabled person). i don't know your age, but there may be communal-type living arrangements available to you. if you don't have children at home, maybe something adventurous might be the ticket, like joining the peace corp or taking a job in a foreign country.

i don't know. i'm babbling here. i guess all i'm really trying to say is your life now isn't a punishment from god. it is part of the constant cycle of joy and hardship we all live. and it will get better, and worse, and better... and it's possible to find hope, and faith, in the seeming randomness of it all.

(i do hope i'm not coming off to preachy)

First of all, welcome to the site.
Secondly, here, let me wrap a cozy blanket around your shoulders and lead you to a sofa to rest for a bit. Don't worry about the clutter around the sofa; I'll take care of that.

I will be up-front about where my viewpoint comes from; I gave up on Christianity at 12, largely because no-one could explain where the dinosaurs fit in, although my reasons have changed since then. I now identify as a druidic-type pagan, and as a member of a minority religious group, am almost required to query what I believe and why. There just isn't enough in our culture to reinforce my religion to allow me to have a childlike faith in it.

That being said, what is better: to have unspecified faith that it will all turn out alright, or to know from experience that even if it doesn't, you'll find a way to make it better? I think the saying I'm going for there is "God helps those who help themselves."

I've always been a little suspicious, myself, of the self-help that implies that we asked for these problems before birth, when our lives were being plotted. I don't like to think that even as a pre-embodied soul, I was dumb enough to say "Heck yeah, bring on the peer-group abuse!" But I do believe that we experience what we experience to learn something specific. Also, that we learn from experience in a spiral - so this year, I might experience the work of learning to be a partner from one angle, but in 5, 7 or 10 years, I might find myself on the other end of the experience, remembering what I learned before. It's happened once to me that I can point out - I was the more timid partner in my last relationship, and the stronger one in my current relationship, and I've applied what I learned from the first to the current.

I guess my advice is, yes, not only ask for help when you need it, but accept it when it's offered. And always remember that sometimes the help you need is letting someone else worry for a little while so that you can rest. Somewhere inside yourself is a little voice that knows what you need; listen for it and trust it. That voice, if encouraged, will help you with your faith.