October is domestic violence awareness month. Over the next few weeks, i'd like to share some of what i've learned and experienced. I have been involved in the movement to end domestic violence off and on since the mid 1980s, in various capacities. I'd like to share some of that experience here. Please keep in mind that every shelter has its own policies, so your local shelter may operate just a bit differently than i describe.

It's any time of day or night, any day of the week. A woman calls the hotline. She may have planned this moment for week or months with the help of hotline volunteers. Or, she may have just reached her breaking point, and packed up what she could, and left when she had a chance. In either case, she winds up at the same place: a local safe meeting place to meet up with the woman who will take her to shelter.

For the staff member or volunteer, it's usually not hard to spot the family at the meeting place. They are the family looking nervous and lost. They are carrying whatever they could carry in trash bags. If they have a car, that too may be loaded to the brim. Or it may be completely empty. Sometimes, women and their children escape with their lives, and nothing else.

The family seeking shelter has already done a phone intake. Basic screening has been done to see if our shelter is appropriate for her. Information about her story, the number of children she has, their ages, and special needs have been discussed. So the meet up at the safe space is usually pretty brief. The family then either goes with, or follows (if they have a car), the intake worker to the shelter.

Once at the shelter, immediate necessities are addressed first. Does anyone need to use the restroom? Do diapers need to be changed. When did the children last eat? Do they need food or something to drink? Are there medications that need to be taken? Did they bring the medications with them?

If the intake is during the day, another staff member may take the children to another room to play. If not, the intake happens as best it can. There is paperwork to fill out. General information about names and dates of birth is taken. House rules are signed. Releases may be signed. In case of fire instructions. Universal precautions. It's hard to go over all this paperwork with a woman who is in shock. But it's harder for her. She is watching your lips move, but her mind is elsewhere, wondering "What have I done? What will I do now? Will my children be ok? How will they go to school? What if he finds me? He's going to be SO MAD when he finds out I've left... Is he calling my mother and my sister right now, screaming at them?" Still, for legal liability reasons, the paperwork must be done as soon as possible. So you do it as gently as possible, smiling a lot, and knowing she would sign anything you put in front of her right now.

Once the paperwork is out of the way, the reassurance and relationship making can begin in earnest. If the children aren't in the room, the woman may have a couple of minutes to tell her story. The intake worker reassures her that she's safe now, that her children are safe, and that she's not alone. Daily necessities are addressed. Care packages are distributed containing toothbrushes, soap, shampoo, maybe tiny toys or crayons for the children, maybe a coupon or two. Her immediate financial concerns are addressed.

Food is discussed. The DV shelters that I've worked at don't provide meals, believing its important to allow women to feed themselves and their children according to their own dietary routine. Also, cooking is a great opportunity for women to bond with each other, and its in those relationships that the real healing happens. So we provided some non perishable groceries and frozen meat that women could prepare. But it was up to each woman to supply milk and other perishables. If she can't afford to do that when she comes into shelter, she is given a food voucher that she can take the to local supermarket.

Other immediate needs are discussed. Do the children have clothes? Socks and underwear? Coats and hats if its winter? Does she have clothes? Towels? The woman is told that she can go to our donations center and get what she doesn't have. And that the donations center will be there for her when she's ready to move to a new apartment.

Additional services are discussed. She is informed that there is a child advocate on staff to help the children transition, to help her register them for school if needed, to help her arrange child care if she works, and to be someone they can talk to. Legal advocacy is available if she needs to get a Protection from Abuse order. Photos of bruises or injuries are suggested and perhaps taken.

Gradually, the woman's load begins to lighten just a little bit, as many of her questions are answered. But the terror is still there. The anxiety is still at fever pitch. She is afraid of what will happen now, what he will do if he finds her, what he will do if he doesn't find her. She feels guilty for leaving him. She is worried about him and how her leaving will affect him. She is worried about the affect that breaking up the family will have on the children. Tears are shed, hands are held, hugs given and received, and reassurance handed out verbally and in the form of vouchers, shampoo, and smiles.

A tour of the house is given. The woman is usually surprised at how "homey" the shelter is. Many shelters are large older homes with lots of charm. My practice was to bring the new family into the kitchen and introduce them around. Not surprisingly, the kitchen is the soul of the house. I would often ask one of other residents to give the tour, showing the new family the locations of bathrooms, laundry facilities, food stores, etc. The support that staff and volunteers provide to abused women is important. But the relationships with other women is where healing begins.

And so the new family heads off for a tour with another shelter resident, who will give her the low down on the way things really work. which staff members are easy touches for extra vouchers. how to get the Dept. of Human Services caseworker to cut an emergency check. How to break the house rules now and then. and who will, by her very presence, let the new woman know she is not alone.

And if its late afternoon, and my shift is coming to an end, I might hang in the kitchen for a while, talking with the other residents. Catching up on what's going on with them. Shooting the shit about nothing in particular. Happy to hear laughter and conversation, see smiles and community from women who, just days or weeks earlier were in shock, isolated, alone, and afraid. Of course, underneath, they are still all those things, but something has shifted. They are part of a community now.