Via Amanda at Pandagon comes this story:

North Carolina lawmakers have approved a measure that would require courts to give battered spouses something extra when they seek a restraining order _ information on how to apply for a concealed weapon.

So yeah, I know that having a weapon in the home is a BAD THING. I know that arming yourself to save yourself from the bad guy only increases your chances of being the victim of the bullet, instead of the other way around. But honestly...

Ok, I'm torn on this one. Sometimes in the past I've been flippant in conversation and advocated "just shooting the motherfucker" and although I know that's flippancy I'm wondering what steps women CAN take to protect themselves. Of course the first and best step is to flee, but some women (one of my best friends, for example) are either unwilling or unable to leave. Sometimes the reasons are so complex that nobody outside the situation could understand them.

My friend is in a battering relationship. I've seen the bruises and the black eyes and the broken noses he's given her. And for all the times I've spent begging her to leave him, to call the cops, to get herself and her kids into a shelter, and for all the times she waivers and seems on the verge of actually getting out, as soon as he calls her and cries and promises and vows never to do it again she eventually goes back. The reasons vary: it's too tough to be a single mom, she gets lonely, or else he goes for 6 or 9 or 12 months without hurting her, and she thinks maybe it's all over, he really has changed. Now she's pregnant, so it's even harder for her to leave.

So what does she do next time he tries to choke her, or kicks her while she's huddled on the ground? Hard to call 911 when the phone's 2 rooms away and you can't move. Hard to grab a gun, too, when you're crippled with pain.

What about a baseball bat? Strategically hidden in every room of the house, so that it's always in handy reach? A nice whack of the bat against the side of his head might make him think twice next time he decides to get physical.

It makes me think of this cartoon I saw: on one side, titled "His Weapons" was a gun, a knife, a baseball bat, and various other items that can cause pain and physical damage. On the other side, titled "Her Protection," was a little piece of paper with "restraining order" printed on the top.

Nice idea, restraining orders. Nice fucking idea, but when a man wants to hurt you that little piece of paper doesn't mean shit. So what do we do? What do I do about my friend who won't leave? Does it make it ok that he hasn't touched her since she's been pregnant? Does it matter that he doesn't hit the kids? Does it matter that he only tosses her against the wall and kicks her and calls her names when the kids are safely asleep in another room? And are the kids really asleep? How can she be sure?

So yeah, part of me says arm those North Carolina women with some guns. Let them shoot the motherfuckers to their hearts' content. A mom in jail has certainly got to be better than a mom being bounced around the house like a hacky-sack, right?

But who am I kidding? My friend hasn't gotten to the point of desperation yet. Maybe she needs to be kicked in her pregnant stomach before she realizes he isn't going to change. Maybe when all the spark has gone out of her eyes and all of her hopes (and yes, even now she still has hopes and dreams) are abandoned she'll realize what a price she paid. Or maybe when her little girl grows up to be another woman with black eyes, or her little boy grows up to be another man who gives black eyes, she'll wish she'd made a different choice. Gotten a gun, for example. Or a baseball bat. Or even a fucking tire iron, for Christ's sake.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just the one she comes crying to when she's in pain and the one who tries to help.